Day Two

So it's day two.  I'm gonna be good. I'm gonna be real good today, you will see.

February 28, 2012
 My morning.: I made Tea, I love to drink my Tea with lemon and a bit of sugar. Tea is better than coffee I put a lot of sugar in my coffee. Tea I use at least half of what i do in coffee. tea is a good choice. I prefer Twinning s English breakfast Tea it is nummy.  Nummy meas it's yummy in my tummy. I had a bowl of honey nut Cheerios. I deiced to use the Alli pills that I purchased months ago as a added helper. but I'm concerned that it will interfere with my Lyrica so I wait an hour to take my medication I think that will prevent any medication interaction. 

My afternoon, after my rant: So my plan was to get to work, work and then go to the gym.  When I got to work, the Per Diem person was once again at my desk.  I made a comment that it's my desk and I need to be at my desk, but she needed to use a computer so it didn't matter what I needed. Every Tuesday I come in to find her at me desk, with my stuff moved to wherever. She leaves things on my desk to which I get bitched at for. The boss does this so he can (I'm my impression) look at his emails. He has a laptop that he can use for that. I get her being there on Mondays that's fine, I'm not here on Mondays. Anyway so I'm sitting there for a good two hours waiting to get to my desk I gave up. I looked at him and said, I'm done sitting and doing nothing. I'm going to the gym call me when I can actually work. So I left and went to Wal-mart for some stuff and then the Gym. I get on a tread mill and discover I can't go faster than 2 mph. But, I will walk a mile. I found that it was not raiding my heart rate high enough so I increased my incline up to 1.5. Then I was satisfied. I walked .92 and then my legs gave up.  So I have a goal at the gym walk a mile.  After the gym I went food shopping. but it was a little on the late side and I was hungry.  so I went to the new frozen yogurt place and got 4 oz. of dulche de leche frozen yogurt with some white chocolate chips. It was only 4 oz. And I don't thing it was being naughty considering that there is a candy isle in the food store.  At the food store i bought a salad for lunch because it was a bit late. When I got home I up packed everything and ate my salad. I have been proud of my progress today.

My evening: My husband and his mother go out to dinner on Tuesdays to allow me a bit of me time. I made the Italian Herb Chicken and used thighs instead of breast cause the store was all out. to my horror it was not skinless or boneless. I didn't know what to do. Nick saved me and took care of all the bones and all the skin.  I will NEVER buy that again.  even worse I bought one of the big packs so I could grill some for Nick to take to lunch. After dinner, I sat and had a conversation with Nick.  I had stopped taking a medication that was to help with the PTSD. I have been toying with going back on it since Monday. I asked Nick what he thought.  Although in the end the decision is mine, Nick did help me to see that I was much happier on the Anti-depressant then off and maybe it would help me.

song, then tomorrow dinner

Be Okay preformed by Ingrid Michaelson
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today

I just want to feel today, feel today feel today
I just want to feel something today 
I just want to feel today, feel today feel today
I just want to feel something today 

Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts 


I just want to know today, know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe i will be ok

 Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts 

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please 
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts


I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
I just want to be ok, be ok, be ok
I just want to be ok today
 
I just want to feel today, feel today feel today
I just want to feel something today 
I just want to know today, know today, know today
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok
Know that maybe I will be ok

Whats for dinner tomorrow?
Chicken Piccata from home and gardens eat well lose weight special interest, on stands now until March 26
2  8-oz skinless, boneless chicken breast, cut in half horizontally
1/4 tsp salt
1/4 tsp ground black pepper
1 tbsp butter
2 cloves garlic, Minced ( I used a half tbsp of pre-minced garlic in oil)
1/2 cup reduced sodium chicken broth ( I used a bit more)
1 medium lemon, thinly sliced
2  tbsp capers (find them near the olives if you are like me and have no clue what they are.)
1 tbsp snipped fresh parsley (optional i nixed it)

1) Place each chicken breast portion between two pieces of plastic wrap. Using the flat side of a meat mallet, pound chicken lightly until about 1/4 inch thick. Remove plasitic wrap. Sprinkle chichken with salt and pepper.

2) In a large skillet melt butter over medium high heat. Add the Chicken; cook for 6 to 8 minutes or until browned and no longer Ping in center, turning once halfway through cooking. Remove chicken from skillet; set aside.

3) Add garlic to the hot skillet; cook for 30 seconds to one minute or until lightly browned.  Add chicken broth to skillet, scraping up any browned bits from the bottom of the skillet. Bring to a boil. Add lemon slices and capes. Cover; reduce heat to low. Cook for 4 to 5 minutes or until lemon slices are softened and releasing their juice. Return chicken to skillet; heat through.

4) To server, spoon caper mixture over chicken. Sprinkle with fresh parsley. Makes 4 serving (1 Chicken portion and 3 tablespoons Caper mixture each).
Per serving: 161 Cal., 4 g total Fat (2 g sat.fat), 73 mg chol., 440 mg sodium, 4g carb., 2g fiber, 27g pro.

(don't ask me what Pro is I don't know)

When nutritional values are available I will supply them.

enjoy!

Day One

So obviously if i haven't said this already although I will be keeping track, I must post what happens the day after. I hope to have the time to do this in in morning but I make no promises of when things get posted due to being a full time accountant in tax season and a full time social work student with a part time internship. Yes can we say crazy life? Yes we can. I also realized that although I said I'd weigh in on Thursday, I realized that I will not have my scale from my mother's house till Thursday night. I have changed my weigh in day to Friday, this way I can do it this week. So with that I bring you....

February 27, 2012
First day after my cross road. This is a Monday. I go to school at Stony Brook University from 8:30am to about 6:30 pm. from school I go straight to my internship and I stayed there until 11:30pm. Not the best schedule for healthy eating.

My morning
I basically get my tired ass out of bed at 7, get dressed and run out the door. On my way to school I stop at a bagel shop and get two eggs scrambled with cheese and a 20oz. cup of coffee with sugar and vanilla creamer. I know not the best but I can't give up everything in one shot. I sit in class, get my paper done and typed yesterday's blog. realize that I can do the school's wellness walk in between classes but also realize that I'm lacking the key for my lock, and don't want to lug around my laptop while do it. I made a mental note of putting key on my car key ring and take the long way everywhere.

My Afternoon.
My first class, hell all my classes are 3 hours long. So I went the the little eatery that is in the HSC and pick up the worst salad ever. I was also a bit naughty and got a cherry Pepsi but I can be naughty every once in a while. Needless to say I basically ignored the salad and went up to the Hospital cafeteria after class. I chose to get Penne Al A Vodka. It is my weakness and honestly, all pasta is. And I also was told by a dietitian that when eating carbs having a protein like cheese helps it to break down better.... so I got mozzarella sticks too. Probably not the best of choices but it is only day one and I am going to make wrong choices and that my dear readers is life and I refuse to hate myself for it.

My evening.
I had an admission thrown in my lap when I got to my internship. I had no time to get something to eat in between my class and the internship (Outreah House II, a teen residential drug rehab place). I didn't get a chance to eat anything and I was starving. by the time I got home the food store was closed. I went to 7-11 hoping to find a salad and failed. I got some chunky chicken noodle instead and ate my dinner after midnight. I didn't go to bed until 1am. Neither very good for health but it is what it is. I must be focused and I must be Zen.

I hoped to have a picture here but forgot to take it... maybe they will exist in the future but for no its a no.

what to eat for dinner tomorrow?
Italian Herb Chicken
This is actually a recipe of my own design

1/3 cup flour (whole wheat is best)
1 lb of skinless bonless chichkn breast
1/2 tsp of each:
Basil
oregano
marjoram
rosemary
parsley
thyme
(anything else I feel like throwing in)
2 cups Italian dressing ( I like to use Kraft's zesty Italian but any will do)

Preheat oven to 400 degrees. in a bag mix together flour and herbs.

Place chicken breast one at a time in bag and shake to cover chicken.

Place chicken in a 9 X 12 baking dish. Bake for 30 minutes

flip chicken, continue to bake for 10 minutes

Poor Italian dressing on top and smother the chicken in it, continue to bake for 20 minutes.

It's good served with anything.  Try it and Enjoy.

Now for another inspirational song that I think is helpful when I stop crying.
Disclaimer: this makes me in no way a fan of this artist. I must say this cause I have a rep you know.
also I changed the words a bit to make it a mantra for myself
Beautiful preformed by Christina Aguilera
Don't look at me

Every day is so wonderful
and suddenly it's hard to breathe
now and then I get insecure
from all the pain, feel so ashamed

I am beautiful no matter what I say
words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
My words can't bring me down
so I won't bring me down today

To all my friends I'm delirious
so consumed in all my doom
trying hard to fill the emptiness, my peace is gone
left the puzzle undone, ain't that the way it is?

'Casue I am beautiful no matter what I say
words can't bring me down
I am beautiful in every single way
My words can't bring me down
so I won't bring me down today

No matter what I do
No matter what I say
I'm the song that's outta tune
full of beautiful mistakes

And everywhere I go
the sun will always shine
but tomorrow I might awake on the other side

'Cause, I am beautiful no matter what I say
My words can't bring me down, Oh no
I am beautiful in every single way
My words can't bring me down
so I won't bring me down today

I won't bring me down today
again from http://www.metrolyrics.com/beautiful-lyrics-christina-aguilera.html

The begining

I have changed the plan for this blog. Originally it was going to be a rip off of the food blog that Julie did in Julie and Julia but I have come to a cross road in my life that has changed my gears.  For those who are not my supportive friends and family (and I do thank you all for that) I shall start at the beginning. 

I’ve always been overweight since I was in maybe fifth grade.   I before that I was very skinny maybe even underweight.  For all that time my mom and grandmother and most of my family would always refer to me as skin and bones. It disturbed me. It made me feel like, with a family of overweight people, something was wrong with me. So I started to copy the eating habits of my mother and father. On top of that the “clicks” started to form, as they do in elementary school, I found myself being excluded from all of them. Part of the reason I was excluded was because I was moved to the self-contained special education class because if I was not I would have been left back. So I was removed from the rest of my grade. 

I was lonely and the kids made fun of me and I was a depressed child who would find comfort in watching TV and eating.  And that is how I started gaining.  This is in no way me putting any blame on this but me but this is how it started. 

As I’ve aged I’ve tried to lose the weight know that down the road it would cause health problems, but truthfully I never liked my body.  I blamed everything on my weight. Be it lack of attention from the opposite sex.  Not getting a job, anything. Every time I tried to lose weight I’d lose 20 pounds and then no matter what I did it would stop. And I’d give up.  Last time I tried was in 2008 I stopped at 225 pounds.

On November 22, 2010 as I was turning into my internship an unlicensed 18 year old did not see fit to slow her vehicle down and hit my truck in the rear forcing it to roll over two and a quarter times. At that time I smoked so I had left the window of my truck open after I finished the last cigarette. Somehow my left arm found its way out of the window and the car rolled over it.  I was take by helicopter to a trauma one hospital. I stayed there for a month and a half in the hopes that they could save my arm.  They did, and when I got out, I made the conscious decision to not smoke.

I don’t know if it’s the lack of smoking or the lack of mobility that the accident caused with my arm but somehow I now weigh over 270. Before the 50 pound increase in less than a year that had crushed my body image. I used to be okay because in my head I was skinny.  I always aware of being fat, I just didn’t see myself that way or fat being a bad thing.  

After the accident I moved out of my parent’s house and into an apartment with my then fiancé, now husband, and his mother. I became depressed because of my lack of movement, and more importantly my lack of independence. I was dealing with PTSD and the fear of driving. So I ate, whole pizzas, entire boxes of donuts. It was disgusting but I learned to eat my feelings.

I went from a size 18 to a 24. None of my clothes fit me. It’s hard to keep a delusional body image when at the end of the hall there is a large mirror that shows the whale I have become. I’m sick of myself. I repulse myself, and the negative feeling I have towards myself is affecting my marriage.  I take all of my thoughts and twist them in my head as if they are what my husband is feeling towards me. 

Last night I cried.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t cry. I had convinced myself that he was going to leave me because of how fat I’ve gotten. I twisted my thoughts and feelings on him that he doesn’t want to see me naked because that would just repulse him.  And he won’t want to make love with me anymore and he’d leave me to go be someone else. Someone younger; thinner. I am not one to allow myself to identify myself by the man in my life but he truly is what makes me complete.  I can’t lose him. I don’t know how I’d be able to continue on without him.

So here I hate myself, putting that hate through my husband’s voice, and where am I to go? Well this is my cross road. Do I continue down this dysfunctional road or do I do something about it. I will do something about it. 

I have a gym membership, like most who have a gym membership, I don’t go.  I have a busy schedule. That was my excuse well I do have a busy schedule. I don’t have a day off, if I’m not at work or school, I’m at my internship. But I have Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights free. Well Thursday I do go to my mother’s for dinner but I can get there a little later. And the gym is open 24 hours Monday thru Friday. No reason why I can’t just wake up earlier for Friday. Saturday and Sunday it’s open 7 to 7. I need to make the time.

I need to eat better, healthier. And actually eat all three meals.

The purpose of this blog is nothing more than to keep me honest. If anyone in the world can read this I need to stick with it. Also I will supply my experiences, good and bad. Not only my being on the wagon taking the road to health but my times when I fall off.  I plain to give you, my fellow reader, my journey. I hope to share with you my laughter, my sweat, and my tears. My triumphs and my failure.  And my adventures in cooking.  I will post healthy recipes with where I get them. I will list what I have put past my lips and I will record my weight every Thursday morning at 8:30am.  I will also include anything that will help me to stay inspired. I will not obsess I will not give up and I will fight this daemon and come out triumphant. 

Perfect by recorded by P!nk,

Made a wrong turn,

Once or twice.

Dug my way out,

Blood and fire.

Bad decisions,

That’s alright.

Welcome to my silly life.

Mistreated, misplace, misunderstood!

Miss “No Way, it’s all good,” it didn’t slow me down

Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated

Look, I’m still around…

Pretty pretty please!

Don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please

If you ever ever feel

Like you're nothing you are perfect to me.

You're so mean (Your so mean)

When you talk (When you talk)

about yourself, you were wrong

Change the voices (Change the voices)

in your head(In the head)

Make them like you instead

So complicated, look how we all make it!

Filled with so much hatred... such a tired game

It's enough! I've done all I can think of

Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.

Oh, pretty pretty please

Don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please,

If you ever ever feel

Like you're nothing you are perfect to me

The whole worlds scared so I swallow the fear

The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer

So cool in line, and we try try try,

But we try too hard and it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere

They don’t like my jeans, they don't get my hair

Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time

Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty please!

Pretty pretty please,

Don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please

If you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

Yeaaahhh...!

You are perfect, you're perfect!

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel

 Like you're nothing

You are perfect to me.

PINK - PERFECT LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/perfect-lyrics-pink.html#ixzz1ncxFxWTu
Copied from MetroLyrics.com