The begining

I have changed the plan for this blog. Originally it was going to be a rip off of the food blog that Julie did in Julie and Julia but I have come to a cross road in my life that has changed my gears.  For those who are not my supportive friends and family (and I do thank you all for that) I shall start at the beginning. 

I’ve always been overweight since I was in maybe fifth grade.   I before that I was very skinny maybe even underweight.  For all that time my mom and grandmother and most of my family would always refer to me as skin and bones. It disturbed me. It made me feel like, with a family of overweight people, something was wrong with me. So I started to copy the eating habits of my mother and father. On top of that the “clicks” started to form, as they do in elementary school, I found myself being excluded from all of them. Part of the reason I was excluded was because I was moved to the self-contained special education class because if I was not I would have been left back. So I was removed from the rest of my grade. 

I was lonely and the kids made fun of me and I was a depressed child who would find comfort in watching TV and eating.  And that is how I started gaining.  This is in no way me putting any blame on this but me but this is how it started. 

As I’ve aged I’ve tried to lose the weight know that down the road it would cause health problems, but truthfully I never liked my body.  I blamed everything on my weight. Be it lack of attention from the opposite sex.  Not getting a job, anything. Every time I tried to lose weight I’d lose 20 pounds and then no matter what I did it would stop. And I’d give up.  Last time I tried was in 2008 I stopped at 225 pounds.

On November 22, 2010 as I was turning into my internship an unlicensed 18 year old did not see fit to slow her vehicle down and hit my truck in the rear forcing it to roll over two and a quarter times. At that time I smoked so I had left the window of my truck open after I finished the last cigarette. Somehow my left arm found its way out of the window and the car rolled over it.  I was take by helicopter to a trauma one hospital. I stayed there for a month and a half in the hopes that they could save my arm.  They did, and when I got out, I made the conscious decision to not smoke.

I don’t know if it’s the lack of smoking or the lack of mobility that the accident caused with my arm but somehow I now weigh over 270. Before the 50 pound increase in less than a year that had crushed my body image. I used to be okay because in my head I was skinny.  I always aware of being fat, I just didn’t see myself that way or fat being a bad thing.  

After the accident I moved out of my parent’s house and into an apartment with my then fiancé, now husband, and his mother. I became depressed because of my lack of movement, and more importantly my lack of independence. I was dealing with PTSD and the fear of driving. So I ate, whole pizzas, entire boxes of donuts. It was disgusting but I learned to eat my feelings.

I went from a size 18 to a 24. None of my clothes fit me. It’s hard to keep a delusional body image when at the end of the hall there is a large mirror that shows the whale I have become. I’m sick of myself. I repulse myself, and the negative feeling I have towards myself is affecting my marriage.  I take all of my thoughts and twist them in my head as if they are what my husband is feeling towards me. 

Last night I cried.  Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t cry. I had convinced myself that he was going to leave me because of how fat I’ve gotten. I twisted my thoughts and feelings on him that he doesn’t want to see me naked because that would just repulse him.  And he won’t want to make love with me anymore and he’d leave me to go be someone else. Someone younger; thinner. I am not one to allow myself to identify myself by the man in my life but he truly is what makes me complete.  I can’t lose him. I don’t know how I’d be able to continue on without him.

So here I hate myself, putting that hate through my husband’s voice, and where am I to go? Well this is my cross road. Do I continue down this dysfunctional road or do I do something about it. I will do something about it. 

I have a gym membership, like most who have a gym membership, I don’t go.  I have a busy schedule. That was my excuse well I do have a busy schedule. I don’t have a day off, if I’m not at work or school, I’m at my internship. But I have Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday nights free. Well Thursday I do go to my mother’s for dinner but I can get there a little later. And the gym is open 24 hours Monday thru Friday. No reason why I can’t just wake up earlier for Friday. Saturday and Sunday it’s open 7 to 7. I need to make the time.

I need to eat better, healthier. And actually eat all three meals.

The purpose of this blog is nothing more than to keep me honest. If anyone in the world can read this I need to stick with it. Also I will supply my experiences, good and bad. Not only my being on the wagon taking the road to health but my times when I fall off.  I plain to give you, my fellow reader, my journey. I hope to share with you my laughter, my sweat, and my tears. My triumphs and my failure.  And my adventures in cooking.  I will post healthy recipes with where I get them. I will list what I have put past my lips and I will record my weight every Thursday morning at 8:30am.  I will also include anything that will help me to stay inspired. I will not obsess I will not give up and I will fight this daemon and come out triumphant. 

Perfect by recorded by P!nk,

Made a wrong turn,

Once or twice.

Dug my way out,

Blood and fire.

Bad decisions,

That’s alright.

Welcome to my silly life.

Mistreated, misplace, misunderstood!

Miss “No Way, it’s all good,” it didn’t slow me down

Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated

Look, I’m still around…

Pretty pretty please!

Don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please

If you ever ever feel

Like you're nothing you are perfect to me.

You're so mean (Your so mean)

When you talk (When you talk)

about yourself, you were wrong

Change the voices (Change the voices)

in your head(In the head)

Make them like you instead

So complicated, look how we all make it!

Filled with so much hatred... such a tired game

It's enough! I've done all I can think of

Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same.

Oh, pretty pretty please

Don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please,

If you ever ever feel

Like you're nothing you are perfect to me

The whole worlds scared so I swallow the fear

The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer

So cool in line, and we try try try,

But we try too hard and it's a waste of my time

Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere

They don’t like my jeans, they don't get my hair

Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time

Why do we do that? Why do I do that? Why do I do that?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty please!

Pretty pretty please,

Don't you ever ever feel

Like you're less than, less than perfect

Pretty pretty please

If you ever ever feel like you're nothing, you are perfect to me

Yeaaahhh...!

You are perfect, you're perfect!

Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel

 Like you're nothing

You are perfect to me.

PINK - PERFECT LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/perfect-lyrics-pink.html#ixzz1ncxFxWTu
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